Friday, August 7, 2009

Restroom Technology

The other night my husband took me out for happy hour at TGIFriday's. They have good drinks for the price and there's something in their nacho chips that's addicting.

Steve and I were chatting away about daily life when inevitably the call of nature made it's voice heard. I excused myself to use the restroom. As I made the journey I had plenty of time to wonder at the builder's reasoning at placing the restroom so far away from the eating area.

Now, I'm no architect but a little horse sense dictates the prudence of having a restroom closer to the those shoveling food and drink into their bodies than those who are in the waiting area with empty stomachs. However as I finally rounded the bend and made out the familiar blue sitck figure sign, I noticed the close proximity of the restroom to the ballroom/event area. Listening to the goings on in there, I recognized the forethought of their decision. But still, they should have had volunteers on the sidelines handing out water and shouting words of encouragement to the bathroom marathon runner. After all everyone knows that more you gotta go, the harder it is to cover the distance.

You will all be delighted to know I did indeed complete the sprint and reach the goal. But as everyone knows, especially those of us who are of the sit-down gender variety, pushing open the ladies room door is not the end of the race. Leading to my next thought...

Technology has brought us toilets that flush automatically, air fresheners that dispense automatically, even paper towel dispensers that work on a mere movement of the hand. Mind you, these are all things we use after the mad rush of doing our 'business' is over and there is no longer that certain urgency. In my opinion, they should have started with the toilet seat covers.

In this world of communicable disease and of people who have little concern for what condition they leave a public restroom in, seat covers are a necessity. Of more necessity is the ease of use. If you haven't brought scissors and Scotch tape, be prepared for a battle. It seems that the body responds with more urgency when it senses that relief is within inches so a smooth, error free performance with the seat cover is imperative. I'm sure the inventor had visions of simply removing the cover from it's dispenser, poking the flap out, setting it on the seat...and voila. It never seems to work that way for me.

The paper is thin but those perforations holding the center intact must be lined with steel reinforcements. This results in a shredded pile suitable only for a hamster cage. Or the toilet is an auto-flush and while you're turning around to park your posterior, the seat cover is sucked down to the center of the earth. Meanwhile the call of nature has now become more of a desperate shriek, leaving one to make a very important decision based on precision timing. Can I try this again and still have time to drop my drawers and park it? Or will I load up my pants in the process, eliminating the need for a seat cover completely and necessitating the need for a mop? Or should I just 'hover' and chance sending my legs into spasms such that I end up waddling back to the table in a squatting position? While I'm executing split second decisions and hoping for excellent dexterity of my fingers, I have yet to notice one thing. There is no toilet paper. But that's a subject for another blog....


The Retired One said...

Too funny, and sadly...too true.
And another thing...why is it that men's bathrooms are usually closer than the women's bathrooms?

Twinessence said...

ROFL Lorri youre a crack up


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